dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
