Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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