it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
