part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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