is your mom at the bar?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
