turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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