you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
