this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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