3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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