I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
