she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize