Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He better not be in your backpack
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
