do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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