Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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