Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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