i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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