oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
