would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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