oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
