maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
