my phone needs a breathalizer
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
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