my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
