his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
