I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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