ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
