I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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