Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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