My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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