hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
