I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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