i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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