I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
