i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
