oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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