I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
