good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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