I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
