I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
