my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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