How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
