I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
