He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
