i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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