Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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