I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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