my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
