I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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