i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
