I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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