Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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