Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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