Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
where am i from again
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
