I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
