i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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