I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
please don't ironically join a cult
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