Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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