I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
