She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
